Flipping Tyres Vs Mental Health

My body has hundred and hundreds of hours of physical training absorbed into it. I was once the sporty one a serious athlete.

Its not the physical machine it once was. It’s taken me a long time to come back round to even being able to put sports kit on.

Those clothes always used to be where I felt at home. The technical fabrics the grippy clothes. But I changed and I couldn’t face to even look at myself in them.

My love for training it never went it just moved to the side. That did give me space and room to continue and develop my love of human movement and functional anatomy and later human behaviour and neurolgy. All that space to fill I learnt about therapeutic hypnotherapy.

I’ve been able to develop my skill base and become the type of pioneer that could challenge and will go on to change the landscape of how we heal from emotional and physical trauma and injuries. Building practices that reconnect beautiful humans back to their glorious minds and bodies, able to access resilience and fortitude form their deepest inner resources.

Not having access to my physical identity meant I had to go on deeper journey to discover and uncover way more about myself and my potential.

What I realise now is that the way I sort to exercise was chasing and elixir a flow state. The runners high, the adrenalin kick.

The feeling of effortless strength and movement. It used to be easy in my body of old to get that.

Now I’ve gotten past looking at myself and feeling deeply ashamed of how far I’ve let myself fall back.

I can look at exercise again and training and just do it to feel good to improve my health and mental wellbeing. The strength I would feel coursing through my body it will be back.

I don’t use it to escape anymore that was my other vice.

I knew that It had become unhealthy but a better alternative than being medicated to manage the mood states I was locked in. I was proud of that. I see now the plaster had to come off.

I had to treat the cause of needing to exercise to escape in the first place.

Finding Yoga has changed things up enormously I can recover in ways I had no appreciation for. My mobility improves session on session. A the whole body practice is slowly and gently teaching me to give space to my mind and reconnect to my breathing.

It’s enriched my life and other ways of exercising ten fold Tom Slade and Georgie Kirwan-Ferreira thanks for the push and encouragement 😘

Solo sessions seem to be the order of the day. I very much still love a hard session that tests every muscle fibre in my body.

I’m no longer doing it to escape my mind or my histories. I’m doing it to lay down habits and muscle that will pave the way to longevity in my future. To feel amazing and value this incredible body I’ve been gifted.

Its given me an opportunity to build and unleash the other muscle in my body I was very much denying. #superbrain So as I fell backwards in one way, another part of me surged forward to take centre stage. Once I hit equilibrium between these two side of me I know I’m going to be unstoppable and pumping life changing work out into the world.

So here I am a rare picture of me for sure. Seriously happy after a solid workout. Building the foundations back up with more tyre flipping in the future to come for sure.

We All Have It In Us

Oldie but a gooden … I wrote this a year ago a friend and inspiration was awesome enough to remind me yesterday.

It’s rehashed a touch so you can see how a tiny bit of information drove me to attempt life enhancing work for me and others.

The outcomes where wonderful laughter and tear filled. Worth every single moment I spent worrying about things that would never come to pass.

A year ago today ….

I loved finding this out today.

Linda Grayham The Author of Bouncing Back : Rewiring Your Brain For Maximum Resilience And Well-Being was talking about gratitude and improving resilience.

“There’s a lot of research being done on kindness, compassion, primaraly of studying what happens in our brain and nervous system when we act with kindness and generosity and compassion.

Which really shifts that kind of paradigm of thinking that wellbeing comes from doing something that’s good for me, into wellbeing comes from doing something good for others”.

Just wow👆

Richie Davidson has done so much research at the University of Madison, Wisconsin. He’s demonstrating that mindfulness and compassion are two of the most powerful agents of brain change known to science.

🚀 actual rocket fuel ⛽️

The behavioral sciences are now discovering that when we can behave in an altruistic way, in a generosity producing way, that we get more benefit from doing that than when we’re doing something for ourselves.

From my standpoint the benefit in discovering this was huge. I knew that I wanted to work and create an environment of doing more for others.

That sometimes the work I did shouldn’t receive money but should be about enriching other people’s lives in a heartist and rehumanising way.

Connecting with the simplest of human emotional needs to flood someone’s life with light and laughter even for just 30 minutes.

This is what I picked up, it really drove me to do more for others with some of my time last year.

It turned into one of the most animated and for filling endeavours I’ve ever done. 1000s of people benefited and all I did was as make myself available to listen engage and be a friend.

All it cost me was time and in return I grew in ways I’m still coming to understand.

You don’t have to go and volunteer or do anything extraordinary…

Wellbeing is turbo charged when it becomes less about you and more about others.

You will move with a different energy and flow.

How do you do it?

Acts of kindness.

Compliment

Listen deeply

Send a card for no reason to a friend

Write a letter just because

Give someone a hug

Do something for someone else

I have a friend who writes letters just because,

Now it brings me serious joy to receive one of those always.

That might not change the world but maybe I will. So feeling good because someone took the time to tell me about their adventures on a bit of paper might make all the difference to how I think or feel that day.

It doesn’t need to be extraordinary, magic happens in the ordinary.

We all have it in us xxxx

Teens Breakthrough Too

I sit in front of you with your I don’t knows and wonder?

When did class rooms becomes places of fear, and faces like thunder.

Hiding behind bad behaviour and sneers.

Because ultimately that will cover the tears.

You can’t see how incredible you are.

The flashes of creativity the kindness it’s there. The wonderful little boy sat on a chair. You can learn believe me it all there inside you.

You’re virbrant and worthy as good as the rest, don’t let school take away your best.

Learning to live it’s a skill you see. Things they don’t teach, are the things that set you free.

You’re not a bad kid don’t believe what they say.

You could hear it another way.

Like me, I think they see all you could do.

I hope you understand you are incredible too.

Some don’t listen don’t hear what you have to say.

The anger you had, it’s gone it really it won’t stay.

You’ve all ready saved a life now that’s a serious score.

A tick on the life card. An A star star for sure.

Keep going, keep knowing your amazing, I see.

Success and living, it’s about so much more.

Make the next 12 months count you’ll be proud of yourself for sure.

Once a boy sat before me,

Now a young man I see.

Keep learning keep growing set yourself free.

X

Breakthrough Project Vs Fibromyalgia

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Living The Dream Ella Climbing Volcanoes In Bali To Watch the Sunrise
Breakthrough Project Vs Fibromyalgia
“To live doesn’t mean you’re alive
How one girl found her way back from the brink.
I often find myself duelling with so many different conditions in the breakthrough hub. Each condition tunnelling into the deepest most secret parts of the amazing, inspiring, incredible, humans I have the privilege of working with. Conditions robbing them of their hopes, dreams, ambition and potential .
 
This is where I come in, I don’t think like anyone else; or do things like anyone else for that matter. I’m in the very serious business of putting the lightning back in your soul. My job, to make sure you are lit up so brightly you can step out into the world with yourself belief burning like an inferno in your heart.
 
My goal to help restore and unleash an unstoppable glowing ever growing belief a in your own beautiful mind and body.
 
For you to experience a confidence so deep, you are connected to the magnificent body you live and experience this life in.
 
My job to decipher whats in the way emotionally and physically. I never doubt that your amazing mind is working exactly as it should in relation to the given moment that it is perceiving.
 
Life is about perception, our bodies are the radar we use to create the fabric of our experience.The same bodies have the potential to produce deep pain and fatigue.
 
Yet we are given opportunities to feel the most luminous, exquisite, extraordinary, all consuming, incredible feelings.
 
We have minds that in a moment can record and replay every euphoric moment we will live and breathe. The moments that make you feel like your flying with the stars.
Singular visceral experiences like sunsets that warm your skin and permeate every fibre of your being.
 
Your body has the capability to let you feel every single sensation recoding each delicious moment just for you. Those simple yet beautiful experiences only you know have the potential to connect you to a place of feeling alive.
 
Its my job to consider what the body is saying, it never lies. What the body is saying and what you are saying, can be two very different stories. Its my job to listen and decipher what I’m being told.
 
Twelve weeks ago a girl approached me. This magnificent little star had been out in the world living her dream as one of the best tour reps in the world. Out of no where she became absorbed with fatigue and pain.
 
By time she found breakthrough her days where spent in bed or at home isolated a year of her life had passed her by.
 
The diagnosis Fibromyalgia. Now I don’t aways hang my hat on a label. I like facts, histories and stories…the body keeps the score.
 
I want to know what happened to you? I mean what really happened….
 
Why is your body and mind telling us this story now…
What do your scars have to say, especially the invisible unseen ones?
 
What can we do about it together?
 
The stories began to emerge the bread crumbs of each systems experience leading us closer to a possible cause.
 
And buried deep was an experience that stripped this bright, vibrant, spectacular star of nearlyall of her light.
 
At each physical level it was so destructive, an emotional apocalypse below the surface. Any human would have been left reeling from the loss, grief, deconstruction of trust, love and security.
 
I knew as soon as I heard it I was looking at a situation that had locked this star into a very dark space.
 
We discussed what we would need to do, how to approach each element in her mind in order to free her. To carefully allow her to reemerge back into the world. Navigating each catastrophic moment that had driven her emotions so deeply underground they where now raging a war within her body in a fight to be felt.
 
We took it apart together, using her magnificent mind and imagination to create worlds where things not only felt different, but where we crushed and slayed every demonic moment taking hold within her spectacular world.
 
We created alternate endings walked though time and space, visited the happiest and most euphoric memories.
 
Each session we saw physical improvement and the experiences that had held her emotions hostage where now nothing more than dust that could be blown away on a summers breeze.
 
With in weeks she had gone from and exhausted shadow, to the bright, vibrant, colourful, inspiring light I knew she was.
 
The condition, the label its gone …And I’m going to say for good.
 
Some humans in this world they feel in the most deep profound ways, super empaths. They can hurt deeply especially if they are unaware of just how receptive they are. The good news, these individuals are always given the most extraordinary minds to cope.
 
They don’t always know how to access of utilise these incredible gifts. Thats where I come in. I’ve seen imagination move these super empaths to such deep rich tangible worlds their bodies can do nothing but surrender and go along for the ride.
 
For a short while I get to helm the magic starlight mind ship to where it needs to go.
 
Together we emerge from the dark.
 
And now I get to watch for this little star to soar across the sky and illuminate her dreams.
Go Ella go…I can’t wait to watch what you will do.
Change happens breakthrough.
 
Amanda x
 
If you want to find out more PM me or email amanda@thebreakthroughproject.life

When Fear Is The Barrier Between Life And Death

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Have you ever wondered what is it I’m supposed to do? I have.
 
Have you ever thought you where supposed to be more? I have.
 
Have you ever felt something deep with in you, a feeling that said keep reaching keep searching? I have.
 
Do you have moments that just knock you sideways. Moments of such spectacular awareness, you wonder where did that come from.
 
Have you ever been in a situation with a scene unfolding in front of you, where you are left asking is this it? Is this all I was supposed to do?
 
When a sequence of seemingly innocuous events, put you standing in a place, and every single way you look at it you where supposed to be there.
 
I had a moment like that once, as I felt life slipping through my fingers as I tried to help a boy dyeing in the street.
 
Every single thing that happened in the preceding three days, weeks possibly months put me on that spot.
 
Of the hundreds of people on the street that night it seemed to fall to me to step out, as people looked and walked by, he was invisible apart from the spectacle.
 
I alone would break from the habit of turning away, this human would recognise another in deep need.
 
I have a clear image of me siting on my bed and crying that night.
 
Even with the years and years of experience I had, I was doubting whether I had done the right thing. How could I have been carrying out CPR on a boy in the street. Fifteen years olds are not known for having heart attacks. It had made no sense. I was consumed with doubt and fear in those early hours, shivering with the fever I now had.
 
As I looked at the soft round edges of a teenagers face, on a six foot frame. I felt the shock this wasn’t a man it was boy, a young boy with a giants body. Still a child and no one was coming to his aid.
 
I felt the shift, the sharpening; in those moments, my mind throttled through gears. The awareness that every single thing mattered, Everything I would do, each singular action would matter. All my experience converging like a river. Every single sense I had was heightening, and all I knew in my mind was available to me.
 
I could feel the danger we where surrounded by gangs of teens phones out, my London child street sense was on high alert; I pushed the vulnerability to the back of my mind. There was no time for a sense of self preservation.
 
I spoke in the boys ear “I’m going to help you Joe hold on”
 
I knew we where at the gates, this kid was about to die; that grey the grey you see, it sends an icy cold rod through to your very core. It is reserved for these occasions. Nothing sharpens a humans mind faster than seeing that colour.
 
I began running through the cascade I didn’t get to C ……
 
No movement
 
FUCK FUCK FUCK
 
As I began CPR everything went fuzzy the edges blurred the centre brightened. All I could see was him. I heard my own thoughts ‘do want you can Mand’
 
I barked orders at bystanders.
 
My ears desperately searching for the sound of sirens.
 
We needed oxygen we needed a Defib. I pleaded inwardly please let them get here he’s not got long. They arrived like angels clad in green cotton, I have never been so relieved to get back up in all my life.
 
I had been out in the street, feeling a life suspended on the precipice. In limbo between a death and a future.
 
As I watched them load his lifeless body into the ambulance a police officer took my details. I wiped the blood off my face, I hadn’t noticed it was on me till then, he had smashed his face as he fell to the floor.
 
It was senseless. It hadn’t been drugs. It hadn’t been drink.
 
It was a single punch to the chest. A single random act of violence.
 
I should have been on guard that night. In a sense I suppose I had been a guardian. I had to swap my duty, strangely for me, I had been unwell. I was on a course of antibiotics. No fun and frolics for me.
 
Seeing as I was now free I had gone to a gig in the town centre. Being bone dry on a night out, That was unheard of from me. This alone was a miracle. All the things I would have normally done, I did not. I had turned up the hill looking for food; instead of going walking down like I normally would.
 
There was nothing normal about this night.
 
I ignored the “its just a drunk person leave them” comment.
 
As I sat on my bed and cried, I questioned how could I have done more, did I do enough, had I done the right things? I was doubting every single gut instinct I had. As my experience converged in a way where time slowed and all I could hear was my inner voice I still questioned it all.
 
I cried…..
 
I had one question answered, one I had kept so hidden from the world. I had quit my job in the red cross. I could no longer teach or deliver first aid training after my mum had committed suicide. I couldn’t even look at the dolls or Ressuci Annies. It brought images flooding to my mind, things I had never seen, the darkest of things. Things I had been told about.
 
The fear I was hiding I never ever breathed it to a soul. I was worried I would choke, I wouldn’t be able to help; to keep my head and follow my training in an operational battle field situation. That my fear would be the barrier to life when I had to face death.
 
I had my answer. I had it in the most painful and real way. I wouldn’t find out what became of the boy for 24 hours. My phone rang in lectures. I excused myself and stepped out. A woman was on the other end of the line
 
“Hello”
“Hello is that Amanda, its Joes Mum”
I was stood in shock I couldn’t speak she continued, I could hear the emotion in her voice I could tell she was crying. I was frozen, welded to the floor.
 
“I wanted to thank you for saving my Joe they have just woken him up.”
 
I crumbled on the spot. I slid down the wall tears pouring down my cheeks. I felt a warm wave of relief pouring through me.
 
“The doctors said he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”
 
In my heart I knew this not to be true, the heroes that night arrived clad in green. I knew what Jo needed was emergency care. I knew deeply he needed help, I knew I would not allow him be alone in those moments between life and death. I played my part.
 
It does make me wonder who rescued who that night.
 
Looking back so many singular moments put me on that street. I still truly don’t know how it fits in with everything I do and I’m yet to do? Of all the hundreds of people out that night in central Birmingham. It was me who found myself stepping out.
 
I do remember clearly asking after is this it? Is this what I was supposed to do? I was asking about my purpose for being.
 
I felt it in my body ‘No this is not it, you are not done, there is more to come’.
 
I know that feeling, its a strong undercurrent that runs under the surface its always been with me. I am yet to understand it.
 
My journey continues …
 
Remember you can be star light in an ocean of darkness. You can and do change your life and the lives of others around you.
 
The big puzzle pieces may not always seem to fit together, one day you’ll see the big picture.
 
Until then….Be the difference in the world you wish to see.
 
Shine on you magnificent human…x
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

When Manifesting Saves Your Life …

When Manifesting saves your life ..

…I was a seriously poor kayak racer age 17 and living in an inner city west London estate ..

I had been using a £100 pound old boat to race and train. I had to bail it out after each training session or racing run. No amount of black nasty ‘gafa tape’ was sorting that.

Some how I landed £1000 for a boat! It just happened!!! A trust fund had received a request from someone and sent me money!

I had just been saying to myself for months ‘I need a boat that doesn’t leak that I don’t have to patch with duck tape’.

I truly couldn’t have truly known why!

Money for me to get what I needed arrived out if what felt like no where!

I have a habit of naming things and although it wasn’t a yacht.. I felt my very own brand new boat needed a name …

I was going up a division bigger water bigger challenges …I needed a boat with a name that would carry me in thumping powerful conditions. That would put me closer to my church and connect me was what made me feel alive.

My chariot my racing companion was named Gabriel.

The first outing I ended up going to the rescue of someone on a Thames weir in high flood …

The water was pounding pumping with all the violent force you would expect..

I had gone there deliberately to train a stupid and reckless thing to choose to do.

Confidence of youth I suppose.

It had been phenomenal..

Even now the thought of the force, power and danger excites me..

I can feel all the fibres in my body heightening, a vibrational energy that makes the world seem sharper, colours brighter and experiences richer.

The surges of adrenaline that connect you to every breath, heart beat and moment…

Transferring power and energy like that through your body feels like you’re ridding lightning.

On a day like that you don’t come out of your boat, you just don’t. It happened

One of the paddlers lost it, hit by a wave. I paddled to him, scooped him up and headed for the bank.. Standard stuff…

But that day thousands of pounds of cubic force was pumping and thundering around us.

He wouldn’t let go of his boat.. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to tow him plus his water logged boat in those insane conditions. I was shouting “you have to let go of the boat”.

He was refusing eyes wide at me ..

I was in a battle against the monstrous current everything happening a million times faster … I knew there was risk down stream…. I had time…. I didn’t have time…

.. Wham

I was pinned up against a wooden pontoon my head inline with the top..

We had been moving so fast….much faster than usual, normally it would take ages to get to them.

We were in Red Hot DANGER zone.

Getting swept under would be a likely drowning in these conditions.

Some of the lads ran from the bank leapt across and dragged Dave out.

He stood on my deck as he was pulled out to saftey.. I heard the crunch it was my boat.

Instinctively I looked to my upstream edge. A near fatal mistake. A spilt second that nearly cost me big.

I looked to see where the damage was and flipped into the water my boat was being buffereted and bashed against the wooden posts with me still in it upside down.

I was about to be swept under an object in flood conditions no air, dark and no possibility of escape I had hundredths of a second to get this right..

This was a moment where one single action would mean life or death.

Choose wrong I drown.

My boat holding on ..not bending and folding … Gabriel was holding I could hear the cracking and banging of the carbon against the pontoon,a miracle he hadn’t broken under the force pressing around us.

To this day I don’t know how I broke the seal so quick.

I was known for rolling I never swam so my deck was tight .. I didn’t want it to pop in a race ..

It was normally a fight to get it off.

My hand located the handle effortlessly in the dark frothy water. It exploded open the force so strong it had felt like I had help.

The surface blocked I knew a had mere seconds ..I had to reach for the edge and fast I could feel the drag the force pushing against me.

My hand reaching up and grabbing the edge.

My boat disappeared under the pontoon ripping past my body as it proceeded to get smashed around and pinned in the dark gloomy black water.

That could have been me.

Charlie had hold the second my hand appeared ..I felt the safe warm grip both hands wrapped around mine.

Make it .. I heard …not today..

I pushed my other hand forward

….Reach …

Charlie pulled I broke the surface

Free of the wooden obstruction.

Charlie helped me climb to safety ..

I could hear the thumping of my boat underneath. My heart jumping with every crack and thud… it could have been me.

I fished Gabriel out.

Just one puncher hole..

Easily fixed I thought.

Had I of been in my old boat the force would have broken it.

I would have been trapped ..

I knew this with every fibre in my body..

This boat had given me time.

It had saved my life.

I would have never reached Charlie’s hand had I of been in the other one.

We never know how things are going to work out don’t give up on the day dream, you never know where that angel is going to show up.

Amanda

X

Mand In The Mirror

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There is one picture that when I ever see it…..IT… SHOCKS… ME.
 
It shakes me to my very bones because I see the mask I so tightly fitted to my face. The mask to hide the invisible scars I was now carrying. It shocks me because I can see that all ready I was gone. An emptiness behind my eyes, I had all ready started to disappear.
 
I see it now. I had been back 5 days from Afghanistan and the enormity of what I had bore witness to was sinking in.
 
The thing that scared me the most was the deep burning anger and dare I say it hatred. I was doing my best to suppress. Thrown back into normal life after hundreds of hours immersed in blast injuries, gunshot wounds, hideous crimes against beautiful children and humans. I was trying to make sense of women being torched because they dropped the dinner or tried to protect their children.
 
I was trying to process and understand how it was possible for Children to be carrying automatic weapons.
 
That even in 2011 barbaric and medieval principles where operating in that society.
 
The unfairness and wastefulness of it all left me burning inside. How there could be such disregard for life and living. I was exhausted I was angry, the rage it scared me. I was in a pressure cooker situation, It crackled and zipped just below the surface. My hackles raising easily, I could become agitated, anxious or just plain furious. This was not me. None of these feelings felt familiar to me.
 
My body no longer felt my own;
 
I couldn’t even take a walk with out feeling like I would hit the floor any second. I was now suffering with Vertigo! I never had anything wrong with my ears or balance ever. That symptom seemed to reappear when ever I became exhausted and stressed from that moment on. I now see my subconscious mind created a way to get me to stop. To force me back home away from the world that now appeared so threatening.
 
I wouldn’t stop. Its not my style, I would push on at the cost to myself. Why? because if I stopped and took time to look in the mirror I would see the shadow, the emptiness the fear the anger and the hatred I was so desperate to not feel. I would see just what shell shock looks like.
 
While I was deployed I felt like I made a difference, returning home the weight of it all pressed down on me. How could I detach from experiences that I felt broke my very soul. Strand by stand parts of me snapping, being wrenched away so violently.
 
I felt the hate boil up in me as I looked in the eyes of the most prolific bomb builders, women and children had been shredded by their hellish devices. It scared me to hear my self thinking why are we saving this person. They have taken so much why do they get to live. It rocked me to my very deepest parts. I was supposed to help, save, support life. How could I have thoughts like that?
 
I would immerse myself in exercise, push myself so hard I couldn’t see, all I could think of was breathing through the hot, dry, dusty air letting my lungs burn. My mind could rest at least then.
 
The anger would simmer under the surface for months, frustration building at the lack of understanding of just what life was like out there. It wasn’t any ones fault it was my responsibility. I had those experiences and they where tunnelling through my mind. I couldn’t release the emotions from them. It consumed me.
 
I had watched a women be defended, she wanted to be near her dying son and had arrived unescorted by a man….Gaurds needed to be positioned to protect her from a beating or even death. Even now I can feel the rage, a tightening in my body each muscle coiling and twisting. How can it be possible that anyone thought it was acceptable to attack a mother praying beside her dying son. Where was the compassion, love, support. I was engulfed in rage; Rules about how women should conduct them selves in the most of horrific circumstances? It was barbaric and crazy.
 
She was attacked because she was fierce, courageous and a lioness. They wanted to cut her down, I had honestly wanted these men to push a guard so hard he did the unthinkable. I did not like who I was becoming, hate rage and shame now at the fore front of my invisible armour.
 
I now know that I can transfer that harmful and destructive energy into love, hope and possibility. I am so thankful that I can accept my own emotions and have an awareness of  just how they affect me, protect me and allow me to grow.
 
I choose love, I choose to accept I only truly have control over my own emotions and there for my experience of this wondrous life I have been gifted.
 
Knowing all I have seen and bore witness to has made me grow. That I will continue to grow everyday leaves me hopeful and curious for what the future has instore for me.
 
I have come to realise just how privileged I am in this life. I am so damn thankful for all the love hope and positivity that is showered on me each and every day.
 
I know that I was given that experience for a reason. Understanding how these emotions manifest in our bodies and the energy they carry has given me an insight into how to bring others back from the brink.
 
I wasn’t at the brink, I had fallen off a ledge into the deepest and darkest of places, by some miraculous way I found a way back. Now I hold the light for others until they can do the same.
 
Amanda x

The Truth Is A Beautiful Thing…Accepting My Birth Stories

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As my children get older I expect the feelings from their birth to dull. I was shocked last year to experience a labour pain for a split second as I remembered Tillys arrival.
Sinking so deep into the moment I felt a contraction.
 
I reminded myself I wasn’t in labour and carried on with the day. I will never forget the moment I held them in my arms uncontrollable tears of relief pouring down my cheeks. An explosion of love in my chest so deep it would drive a root into the earth and finally ground me.
 
Its not those feelings I want to dull or fade away. Its the feeling that I will never get invited into a very elite club. A club that Dads, partners family swell with pride and talk about. A club you are either in or out of. I will never pass the guardians of the I birthed my baby club.
 
Its a damn big club and I will never get to walk the hallowed halls, hear the praise or get looked at with wonder.
 
No not me ….My body just couldn’t do it…I couldn’t do it.
 
The girl with enough strength to lift 100kgs off the floor any day of the week.
 
The girl who had awards for bravery.
 
The girl who had shown dominant force with her body time and time again.
 
I’m proven.
I’m strong.
I can hold pain and carry on.
 
I was fit, I was healthy I had near perfect pregnancies.
 
I will never have the VIP card, no magical call the midwife moment for us.
 
My feminine power lost to me …..I had strength, buckets of it.
The ability to connect with my body and draw upon a unknown primal power. To bring my children into the world unassisted.
 
Not me!
 
My body failed me
I failed.
 
I carry the warrior scars – the openings that where made to bring those incredible lights into this world.
I would sacrifice any part of me to make it possible.
 
As I write this now the scar running into my right glute is set alive.
It has awoken, the memory of its conception stirring it from its beastly slumber.
 
They say never tickle a sleeping dragon. The impossibility to tip toe around them, when they are branded on my body.
 
A literal line to remind me of how I failed but also how we lived.
 
I disconnected from the person I believed I was… Strong a protector.
 
I held on for as long as I could. My beautiful daughter had been set free into this world.
 
She had been pulled from inside of me. I knew there where two wraps of cord around her neck…I didn’t need to be told.
 
I could feel the edges of the world dulling the sound rushing away from my ears.
 
I felt the sickness hit.
 
I knew I was about to fall. Fall unconscious.. Slip into the abyss.
 
My blood pressure had bombed like a heavy stone plummeting into a deep lake.
My medical experience running through my head as I monitored my own condition…
 
I told the doc, ‘my blood pressure just ….’
 
DING ….DING…..DING.DING’
 
The alarms fired to life on the monitoring ….
 
I knew …
 
‘how much has she lost’ Fired out over me..
 
“4 litres”
 
I watched as they pushed my baby out of the room I managed one instruction..” don’t leave her stay with her”. I said a hazy silent prayer asking for us to see each other again …I thought of my beautiful boy..
 
And I drifted….
 
I felt myself pulled in a direction I didn’t want to go.
 
Backwards and forwards. Between the darkness, and the clatter and energy of the operating room.
 
Time disappeared.
 
 
At some point I felt myself completely in my body, weak but returned to where I belonged. I was moved to the high dependancy unit.
 
I felt partitioned, my little girl not with me. I was in no way prepared to not have her with me. My heart was aching, with the burning need to have her close. My maternal instinct in overdrive.
 
I also knew I was incapable of lifting my head off the pillow without falling unconscious. Time moved painfullyslowly.
 
Eventually my beautiful baby girl arrived. A surge of maternal energy kicked in. Work to be done. I thought she must be hungry. I had no idea how long we had been apart. The dizziness hit me like a train. I was moving slow and even that was to fast. I had been handed my newborn and I was now alone.
 
Fighting the urge to not sink into unconsciousness. Her tiny body swaddled in blankets my arms sinking with the heaviness I pleaded with myself to hold on don’t pass out. The terror I might drop her building in my chest.
 
I needed help there was none.
 
Begging myself not to drift.
 
I managed not to loose my grip…to this day I don’t know how.
 
I was left doubting myself badly. My ability to care, protect and provide. But in some strange way it left me with a sense of loss.
 
I did everything I could and I still couldn’t do it.
 
A voice inside me wonders if my baby came to harm because I didnt opt for a section.
 
A second one.
 
I could of….I was asked over and over again.
 
Every time I replied I have to try…every time more doubt about the choices I made about our lives.
 
The preverbal buck stopped with me.
 
My first birth was an emergency section…just as it sounds..
 
But far less traumatic. My son was delivered by my working family…He arrived in a room I had worked in for years. I could not have had a better team around me even if I had hand picked them myself.
The amazing theatre staff from Peteborough City Hospital. I had worked in and checked that very theatre many times myself over the half decade I had worked there.
I knew from the outset I was in safe hands and my son would actually be born surrounded by people I loved.
 
The infection that followed unfortunately literally split me in half ….The site sheared open after 5 weeks. Pete went full on twilight pale when I removed the dressing and it opened like a violent volcanic eruption. Blood and pus poured out falling onto the carpet.
sorry about the hugely descriptive image. For me it was not so bad I had been in continuous pain and it was actually a relief.
 
It was the beginning of a whole new pain journey unfortunately.
 
I would rather endure 10 labours over, instead of revisiting the memory of a nurse driving dry gauze into the cavity in my abdomen.
 
It sent white hot pain searing across my body. The sort that locked you regid. For to move would render me incapable of anything. I soaked through my clothing with sweat. As the plastic implment drove it in deeper. The white flashes of pain sawing me in half.
 
It took me ten minutes to get from the car door into the drivers seat.
 
I could not face this again…
I couldn’t electively opt for it.
 
I was terrified.
 
I didn’t speak to anyone. This in hindsight was a mistake back then I truly believed nothing could be done or changed. As I sit here with my work hat on I know with every part of me this isn’t the case. Now I encourage women to seek out therapeutic support.
 
Back then I had my own dialog …
Who wanted to listen to the new mum, the outwardly strong girl who had now been broken in half by cotton wool.
 
I took the codeine knowing it would render mt breast milk useless.
My ability to breastfeed all ready destroyed by the rampant infection raging war across my abdomen and in my blood.
 
Failed again. Myself confidence and self esteem plummeted.
 
I cried tears of relief when Leo glugged down his first bottle of formula. That incredible replacement food, saving him from hunger as my milk dried up.
 
As I heard ‘will you consider a section’ all those memories pushed further forward into my consciousness
Every memory flashed through my eyes …
 
” I will do what is best for us”
 
I was resolute I could not endure that again.
 
And here I was 2 years and a week later, flat on my back.
 
In a slightly worse condition..
 
A midwife looked at me and said “Well at least you got the VBAC you wanted”.
 
Yes I had A VBAC …
 
The surgeon cut through a vein. I had been losing blood, the anaesthetist unaware as it wasn’t communicated the rate I had been hosing claret onto the theatre floor.
I might have been in a position to verbally RAM your comment down your throat you utter FUCKTURD!
Yes I was weak and ANGRY…
 
And it began ….
 
Triggered left right and centre about birth. On the whole I avoided mama groups. I couldn’t hear about the wonder births.
 
I was happy for them. I was fighting with myself. My inner voice telling me how weak I was. Questioning the colic and screaming. Was it my fault. I will never know, of course. I carried the blame.
 
In time I would see these births gave me a perspective on what its like to be completely helpless and fighting for my life. That understanding everyone was doing the best they could to arrive all of us safely into our futures together.
For the first time in my life I had to be
 
 vulnerable and place myself in the hands of strangers.
 
I had to try and trust in others.
 
I have to moved to a place of acceptance these are my birth stories. I look back now and what I see is me and the many things becoming a mother would unlock for me.
 
I had to wait for the magic, those first moments where I held my babies and breathed in their amazing smells. As I felt their tiny soft bodies against my skin. They are almost the moments that time stands still for me. As I fell madly and deeply in love. These moments are locked deep within my heart.
I will hold them close for all of eternity. My children grounded me, bonded me to this earth like no other force could.
 
I had been floating through life, lost until they locked my heart to theirs.
 
Today 2 years since the birth of my beautiful girl.
 
Today this is the story I’m accepting and so grateful for.
 
 
 

When Grief Hits You Like A Slegde Hammer In The Heart

Somedays I forget I am the the wealthiest person alive. I have love and I am loved. I can feel joy and happiness any moment I choose.

My time is mine and I use it how I please. I have food, and a roof over my head. My health is good. My family is with me. They are showered in love and their health is good. 

Days like today I want to just curl up and cry, I have no tears left. The unfairness of it all. Takes my breath away. The frustration and whys flowing think and fast. 

 I think about a friend taken by a condition in her prime. Today life makes no sense.

Today I recognise what it is to be alive. That pain is a clear marker that I am very much here. 

My eyes are set on the horizon. I must embrace every moment I have. Time is the most expensive commodity I have. I can never buy it back once it is gone. 
Today I am reminded that I must with all my heart live a whole life. I must pack as much love, hope, positivity, inspiration and connection into it as I can. 

I must embrace being alive and choose the path that connects me to feeling that way everyday.

Somedays carry pain I don’t want to bair. The truth of it is because I have allowed myself to love and when we loose it hurts.

But it’s worth it… Every tear, every heart stopping moment it’s worth it. 
X

FIND THE LITTLE VICTORIES …

FIND THE LITTLE vICTORIESThe warrior in you will not stand down. Every day you rise, rise into another apocalyptic day. Your heart aches each beat more painful than the last.

Your body heavy with the invisible load crushing you from the shoulders down. Your body crumpling under the burden. Standing up takes every drop of strength you can muster.

You move slow under the weight of it all. I see all you are doing dear friend. I see how each day you sacrifice your body to hold everyone together. I see how your mind never rests. How its easier for it to be empty.

Where there once was magic now only the nothing. The load is a little lighter with the nothing. Its Always there in the room , consuming, devouring you.

And yet you fight. The warrior in you will not rest. One foot in front of the other moving your self to the next sunset. A voice in side of you its getting quieter …

You can still hear it “Keep going’. Its all but a whisper. “We will get through this”. You reach for the coat tails of life. Clawing on to any small victory.

You have a heroes heart …Its beating hard for you . You are precious you matter.

You get up..

You make those beds.

You get dressed.

You keep everyone moving.

You hunt out those little victories as they add up, you see success in your day.

You can get everyone through this.

You are the life guard you are the guardian the protector the nurturer, the unstoppable wave of hope… Yes you.. Nothing is going to stop you. You find the little victories.

The darkness is so close…find the little victories each has light in them. I promise. The tiniest bit of light. The more you collect the more light you can carry….Push that darkness away…fight that Spector…It doesn’t get to take anymore from you.

You are a warrior.

You have enough light in you to hang on. Root your self to those little victories ….

ROOT YOURSELF TO THIS LIFE.

Those little victories will carry  your  tired soul to the sunset and drive you into the next day and the next.

Stand strong my beautiful friend you have got this.

Change is coming, find the little victories.

You are a warrior.

Make a charge for the light.

Hold on x