How Cute Where You?

I was encouraged recently to get a picture of my younger self out.

For when ever I had a difficult time working, writing, creating.

Or even doing nothing productive and feeling guilty about that.

To be fair it’s been a non stop roller coaster of home schooling, working from home juggle fest of lock down life..

So the doing nothing productive guilt is not a problemo right now..

This lil beauty of a snap, in full 80s cord and home knitwear is to really remind myself

I am talking to my inner child.

The version of me, that most likely is responding with unconscious behaviours

when I feel uncomfortable, unconfident, uncertain, abdondened or afraid.

Or even at times when I have allowed my own boundaries to be crossed.

Sometimes I find myself lacking a mature and well practiced response to use unconsciously.

It happens, it’s part of life no one is perfect..

My downfall is I give myself a hard time about not responding in a way I think I should.

And just like that she is unleashed … out bursts my inner critic .. she is harsh, and does not shut up!

Although these days I’ve found a way to bench that sucker… She disappears if I become playful.

Play is practice, I see my kids doing it all the time.

They see something they play and practice it with one another.

Until they have it worked out.

I know there were significant gaps in my emotional development. How could there not be.

Awareness was the key take away there, foster parents, mentors and later trusted therapists and coaches.

It took lots of journaling, questioning and being playful to begin plugging holes that a nomadic and chaotic childhood and becoming a foster child left behind.

I’m always a work in progress. I know I’ve unearthed parts of me that find child like glee in even the most testing of circumstances.

Resilience is something I dont just have in bucket loads it courses through me like a powerful river.

It’s funny as I’ve noticed a much more compassionate inner voice and cheerleading team arrive in my inner world.

Since recognising the smaller version of me needs a break.

My inner Grandma has turned up and instead of being self critical. This much softer voice, keeps saying it’s not so bad why dont you have a brew.

I’m sitting here giggling at the ridiculousness of it.

But strangely my inner pensioner is such a welcome awesome alli.

Amanda x

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