I had woken up out of a torturous dream, covered in sweat. The fear rising in my chest building after what I had experienced.
This one was worse a new kind of hellish, children this time. Why was this happening? I wracked my brains. Blast victims everywhere hopeless, helpless no one alive, I have to tidy it up.
I was stood next to my bed trying to work out what next. ‘I’m awake I’m awake’ its not real, it had felt so real. I spent the next two days confirming it wasn’t real. My whole body carrying the tension of a medic on high alert.
Telling myself over and over it couldn’t be real. Looking for any clue in the dream to distinguish it from reality. Finally I settled on the sink being in the wrong place.
That evening I felt the fear closing in again. I begged my mind not to take me back. My stomach in knots so tight I couldn’t eat. The thought of sleeping now seeped in dread and terror. I prayed it would not repeat…
I didn’t think I had PTSD. I knew I was a shadow of myself. I put it down to fatigue of being a parent. Sleepless nights and running around after energy abundant small children. Everyone has dreams like that if they’ve been to places like that right?
It wasn’t until I found myself participating in a training course. I realised I was not only living with PTSD. I was in a full blown fight with myself and I wasn’t winning. I was hardly surviving.
I never thought I would be free of the dreams, nightmares and flashbacks. They plagued my mind when ever I became stressed. The faces, I would see from my time in Afghanistan. I had accepted that this was how it was.
When my children started to appear in those dreams I plummeted to a whole new level of fear. Something had to change. I still didn’t recognise it as PTSD. So many others had been through so much more, worse tours, pain, injury. How could I have PTSD?
Not only did I have it. I had it in all its brutality. To add fuel to a well stoked fire I was battling the shame of being a child of someone who had committed suicide. Not someone, my mum.
From the moment I took the phone call my world had been painfully torn apart. I never thought I could get over that.
The darkness that accompanied it all, the pain the triggers more and more of the same but different. The anxiety the fear.
I couldn’t suppress the undeniable power of the subconscious mind. It was pushing forward the very things I had wanted to keep hidden from the world.
It was plain as day, the heightened alertness, the inability to sleep. Avoidance of even my closet friends. Continuous pain present in places in my body.
I could no longer watch the news. Colour disapeared from my life, everything became grey, dull, lifeless. The pushing away of the things I loved to do.
On the inside I was burning caged and dying an internal death everyday. It was easier to not feel.
The self doubt and the withdrawal from wanting to work with people. I had no energy for it. Exhausted inside and out. Caffeine and sugar had become some sort of lifeline. I had hated who I had become I had hated myself. My essence and identity completely invisible I had become hollow empty and filled with an energy I didn’t recognise as my own.
The one piece of myself I had managed to hold onto was the part that took care of and loved my children and my husband. That was the only thing keeping me grounded. Inside I was beating myself up for not being a better parent, mother, wife, practitioner. Shattering myself into a million pieces daily.
My mind was its own prison and my body reflected that. The resilience I had come to rely on in my youth was no where to be seen. The optimism and hopefulness that drove me day after day was lost. I was lost.
My memory was in shreds I was struggling to recall simple day to day tasks. When I could muster emotion instead of the constant emptiness it had to be extreme to raise me out of the soulless heavy numbness I was locked in.
I think in someways this was why I had chased adrenaline fuelled activities. I exercised to the extreme to feel the release of endorphins. It also worked to knock my self unconscious with exhaustion. I would compensate hugely with these out lets. After the birth of my second child I wasn’t in a position to do that.
I stopped all activity apart from taking care of my children.
I didn’t want to speak my fear or face the shame of it all. I was being buried under the feelings. Going numb and not being present came at a cost. I huge one. I was missing out on my beautiful babies life’s.
And then 6 years after returning home, six years of being lost..
I discovered this beautiful, gentle process.
The moment when change fluttered in like a feather on a breeze. This was not therapy. This was none of that. This was action.
This was the last time when I spoke any of those words thought any of those thoughts I would ever feel like that again. I was about to change in a way I could not believe, let alone imagine.
I had experienced one taster session, the effect at that stage was so profound. I knew I needed to train as a practitioner. I moved heaven and earth to get a course full and launched in the UK. I went from being lifeless, to a woman on a life saving mission. I would get a american led course filled and participate in it myself with in three months.
I had no idea that signing up and participating in the training course would alter my life beyond belief. It could only be described as a lightning bolt of intervention. It took something that felt truly unworldly to bring me back to life.
Out of no where a sliver of hope. I was sitting on the precipice. It was now or never. I grabbed my chance with both hands, I knew this was change the rumble was on and I was ready.
I got a sniff of the powerful, intelligent, funny, loving girl I had once been. I wasn’t lost, just misplaced in the very depths of my mind.
I couldn’t have known that when I started locking down all the hurt, pain and vulnerability, all the feelings that terrified me. That I would lock away the parts of myself that loved life, living and laughing. I would lock away the girl that could take on anything and come out smiling.
The minute I began diving into those beautiful transformative sessions. The possibility of a breakthrough was not only real it was calling to me commanding I come back with the force of nature I had always embodied. The powerful, wild, untameable, protective energy I had alway had was demanding to burst from the depths of where it had been locked away.
Session after session I dismantled, crushed and set myself free from the internal binds that had held me so tightly.
All the fear and terror lifted.
Those hypnotherapy sessions where not only a lifeline they where injecting every part of me with nitrious. I was being woken with what felt like lightning bolts. My courage, resilience and joy was thundering back a torrent of energy flowing like nothing I had ever felt.
I can remember opening my eyes after the first session. I was drenched in sweat. My tear stained face now very much on my radar. As I sat up I blinked my eyes in disbelief. My body felt light…I could feel the breeze on my arms coming in through the window and the warmth of the summer sunshine on the air. My senses taking in everything. Some how the thing that had been missing was restored I was awake for the first time in years.
Every part of me unshackled. I grew beyond measure I found I had more to offer myself than I could have ever imagined. I walked through my own personal hell, I kept going. Once I came out the other side. I could feel the magnetic, spirited wild energy I had always had, the wild, care free girl with an unstoppable force and energy. I had been awoken.
By the time I had returned home I knew I had to establish a place. Where others could reach out to and access the keys to regaining their lives back. This had become about so much more than me.
The possibility to heal is real and even is this short year I have seen remarkable things happen for others.
The Breakthrough project was born and is here to stay.
Ever since that day as I felt the tears carving long lines in my face, I have been working with other amazing humans. Its is some what incredible to witness someone opening their eyes for the first time and knowing their world feels different.
Daily I approach the problems that come into the Breakthrough Hub in my own unique way. I will be an advocate for Subconcious hypnotherapy and seeing each humans problem as individual for the rest of my life.
I must continue to be fearless if a way to help thousands humans come back to living life in technicolour is to be found.
The possibility for change is real. If I can do it anyone can.
Never let go of hope.
Hold on pain ends.
Breakthroughs are coming