I Get Asked A Lot

I get asked how and why Breakthrough came to be, it was my breakthrough that really set it all off…

This is a clip of my journey … some of my major lows and how they moved me to highs …

In another life I worked in hospital every single day I loved the people I worked with. Amazing humans. We would graft hard for our patients… but I didn’t love the job … I tolerated it. I had been told I needed to grow up

“being an outdoor instructor isn’t a job for adults”.

“Or a wife” !!!!

Oh when I hear those words now, my stomach still turns.

I was so vulnerable… so rudderless …I let it in.

I began to think no one would want me because I didn’t have money, I didn’t have a real job and I appeared to have no prospects, I wasn’t exciting I was thinking I was simple, linear, boring.

Although deep down I knew I was boxing off the truest version of myself. The wild, unrelenting, instinctively hedonistic girl. The girl that relished the deep natural power she had in her body, a blinding confidence and a blood hound nose for seeking out adrenaline fuelled or natural moments of deep connection with the environment she so deeply loved.

I could get the best from anyone in the most unrelenting fearful experiences. Every single time.

That girl wasn’t appreciated by the people she thought loved her. So after each word, blow or look. Each moment that destabilised the foundations of myself… To create a camouflage of myself to fit in to be accepted and loved. I began shutting away parts of myself. Who I deeply was.

I had been following my heart, on the water everyday, salt on my skin and the wind in my hair. I was limited by cash and stuck at a center that was reaping the rewards of my insane skill base.

I wasn’t in the perfect environment for me and I had become frustrated. So leaving the outdoors seemed the right thing to do.

As the words bore into my mind “you need to grow up get a real job”.

Ironically I was trying to please someone who didn’t care about my interests. But the words cut deep anyway.

I was so nomadic by this point, I had been attached to multiple families and floating through life. An outdoor vagabond a little nomad.

I couldn’t seem to establish roots anywhere. And feeling like I had be cast aside like trash. Life for me at that point went that way sometimes.

And then what to a child felt like the ultimate abandonment, I was 25 and trying to absorb and come to terms with the suicide of my mum.

In a matter of months I had gone from sun kissed outdoor instructor to single, homeless and then buried in grief.

I was lucky enough to be swept up wrapped in support understanding and love by my amazing friend, mentor and sprit mum JV. She gave me the time and space to get back on my feet, food in my belly and a roof over my head.

My friends where amazing and I was never alone if I didn’t want to be.

It was during this time I would in fact meet my future husband.

Everything else seemed to pale into insignificance the breakup, losing my home all of that I could get back in another shape or form.

I handled the death the only way I knew how. I immersed myself in exercise. It was the only other way I knew to silent my mind.

“The how’s and why’s constantly drilling into my consciousness”

I detached the only way I knew.

I disappeared into a world of training. Riding my bike into the Peak District most days.

I have vivid memories of being covered in ice and knowing that even though it was crazy to be out in the January winter I needed to feel the cold air burning my lungs.

It didn’t take long. I was on my feet firmly .. “I have to take care of myself be independent.” I was doing ok …

Some how within months I found myself in the Royal Air Force as an Operating Tech.

That in its self is a unreal story… turning the tide of fortune to favour me. I’ll share it one day. Even with the experiences I would later go on to have.

It was never a good fit. I could do the job, I was good at it. I was cooped up in the NHS day after day, inside suffocating.

Away from sunlight, expansive views it was all lost to me.

I didn’t belong there.

No matter I worked hard … a grown up job, a job that mattered. And it did each day I would play my part in someones theatre adventure.

I would make friendships I know will span a lifetime.

But I didn’t love it. I didn’t belong there. I loved the humans, the teams … loved them.

Deep down I knew it. This is not how my life should feel. I craved freedom constantly.

It did feel different when I deployed. A switch would flip. My primary role save life. It was simple. It mattered.

And it was so much bigger than me.

Life and death literally hour by hour.

It was like living in another dimension where seeing gunshot wounds became as normal as having a cup of tea during a break.

The world there was different, adrenaline fueld for months on end. Everyday a Groundhog Day. The sky never changed

Just the casualties. Living my life in the Bastion triangle.

It gave me perspective that can not be taught or brought, a clear distinct outline of what it means to live. How quickly and violently life can end in a blink of an eye.

How far humans will go to save another.

The lessons from that time in my life they still flow towards me.

…….. TBC …

The journey the lessons …

There is always more x

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